Let's get a couple things straight. The Whole Nine Yards, a new movie starring Matthew Perry and Bruce Willis, is a dark comedy that's not funny and a love story that's not touching. Instead, it merely confirms that Perry, known much more for his role on Friends than dismal movies like Three to Tango and Fools Rush In, might not be suitable for the bigger screen.

The movie is a complicated story about revenge, killing and $10 million. It begins when Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski (Bruce Willis) moves next door to nebbish dentist Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky. As you can guess from Tudeski's name, he used to be part of the mob--a contract killer in fact--but is now on the run for ratting out his boss. For reasons too stupid to explain, Sophie, Oz's wife, convinces him to go to Chicago to reveal the Tulip's new living arrangements. There he meets up with another contract killer (Michael Clarke Duncan), the mob boss (Kevin Pollak) and Tudeski's gorgeous estranged wife (Natasha Henstridge).

As it turns out, everyone wants everyone else dead--$10 million is riding on it. The twists and turns the plot takes are actually fairly entertaining, even if Oz's perpetual bafflement gets old after the first two minutes. The Whole Nine Yards had the potential to be a fabulous screwball comedy: there are lots of stock characters, each with their own motivations; there's a regular guy thrown into situations he can neither understand nor control; and there are two different love stories criss-crossing.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention the love stories. That's because they're barely worth mentioning. In Chicago, Oz falls in love with the Tulip's wife and spends the rest of the movie trying to save her. Unfortunately, Perry and Henstridge (Species) have no chemistry whatsoever, so the audience is left with little to care about. The other love story is slightly more entertaining. Oz's dental assistant (Amanda Peet, television's Jack and Jill) turns out to be a budding contract killer who is infatuated with Tudeski. Their bizarre relationship is, at times, quite enjoyable. The men in the audience may also find Peet's body enjoyable, as there is an irritatingly gratuitous nude scene. And if any one happened to be asleep (a reasonable occurrence), the filmmakers are kind enough to show Peet's perky pair a second time.

I realize that the film is supposed to be a dark comedy, but even so, its moral compass is offensive. By making murder seem like both a normal career choice and an effective solution to a bad marriage, it only takes us deeper into the abyss that our gun-happy culture has embraced. And I know we don't need another movie that makes marriage seem worse than prison.

This would be less problematic if the film was actually funny (we're not so likely to acknowledge ethics if we're also laughing at them), but it's not. The nice comic timing Perry has shown on Friends deserts him here. His reaction shots are too broad to be effective, and his pratfalls are forced past the breaking point. The script doesn't do him any favors. When a character pleads, "Be careful," Oz responds after a long pause, "I'm Mr. Careful." That's the best this movie can come up?!--"I'm Mr. Careful"?? When a comedy uses a base cliche like "Be careful," the least it can do is respond with a witty retort. And when Perry actually comes up with a nice comic touch, he then ruins it by repeating it ad nauseam. Early in the movie, Oz is getting into his car to go to work. Suddenly overcome by anger at his wife, he goes wild, banging on the steering wheel and horn. It's genuinely funny, but not when Perry repeats the gag two more times in the next minute.

The movie's comedy quotient is not helped by writer Mitchell Kapner's infatuation with stupid accents. Rosanna Arquette, as Oz's wife, has a ridiculous French-Canadian accent, while Kevin Pollak (Usual Suspects) is supposed to be Hungarian but rather sounds like a stuttering man who's watched too many Elmer Fudd cartoons. I can only hope that Hungarians of all stripes will rise up in arms.

Bruce Willis is a bright shining light in the midst of this carnage. His cool turn as a contract killer on the lam is effective and thoroughly enjoyable. As Willis makes a transition from mega-action star to quieter roles, he seems to be finding a groove that audiences can only hope to see more of. Also worth seeing more of (and there sure is a lot to see) is Michael Clarke Duncan (Green Mile). I suspect that even if Duncan's film career doesn't pan out, we'll be hearing his voice in voiceovers for decades to come. Like James Earl Jones, Duncan has a distinctive deep bass that is pleasurable to the ear even if he's spouting gibberish. Fortunately for this movie, he also has solid comic timing. His scenes with Willis are easily the high points of the film.

Otherwise, Whole Nine Yards feels like a low-budget movie. Director Jonathan Lynn's (Sgt. Bilko) blocking is awkward, the moments of physical comedy could've used another take and the dialogue often clanks like a Shaquille free throw. But worst of all is how dull it is. With few laughs and even less emotional connection, the movie just goes through the motions until we reach the drawn-out conclusion. Take out a few yards and add an exciting half-time show, and maybe this movie would be worth your time.

J. Robert Parks 2/22/2000