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In a different (and better) world, Morgan Freeman wouldn't star in a movie like Dreamcatcher. He'd already be an iconic figure like Paul Newman and would only need to act in one or two movies a year, freely choosing whatever role he wanted. He'd have already won a couple Oscars to go with his several nominations, and would select one or two prestige movies a year. He could star in a movie like Road to Perdition and give merely an average performance, but critics would praise it as award-worthy, just because the movie was a glamour picture. One thing for sure, Dreamcatcher is no glamour picture.

What Dreamcatcher is exactly is hard to say. For the first half-hour, it feels like a buddy picture. Four guys who've been friends since childhood gather at a remote cabin in wintry Maine. Jonesy (Damien Lewis), Henry (Thomas Jane), Pete (Timothy Oliphant), and Beaver (Jason Lee) are not only schoolboy pals, they all share a gift to communicate with each other via telepathy as well as the ability to see back into the past. Though these gifts help them to bed attractive women, they are, as is always the case in movies about the paranormal, more of a curse than a blessing. Each of these 30-something guys feels like an outcast and can only let his hair down around the others.

One of the many unanswered questions about Dreamcatcher is why these four have decided to trudge up to the remotest part of Maine in the middle of winter. But there they are drinking beer and telling off-color jokes when strange things start to happen. First, dozens of animals all start running in the same direction (is there a sale at Sears?). Then a man with a big splotch on his face shows up not knowing where he's from. Worse, he has horrible intestinal troubles. Fart jokes galore! And then when things can't get any weirder, strange men in decontamination suits fly over in a helicopter alerting our heroes that the area has been quarantined. But wait, there's more! We're soon subjected to a pair of awkward flashbacks involving the quartet at the age of 11 and a learning disabled boy named Duddits. But lest you think the boy with the speech impediment is just meant to make you uncomfortable (like the potpourri of fart noises), he serves an important purpose. You see, he was the one who gave these four guys their "special powers." Oh yeah, he's also an alien. Then when you think the movie can't get any cooler, a lost woman shows up who also has gas from hell.

None of the movie's first half hour can be considered legitimately frightening, and most people who go to a Stephen King movie want to be scared senseless. But wait, we haven't gotten to the blood part yet. After watching the parade of animals, Beaver and Jonesy walk back to check on the gassy man only to find copious amounts of blood leading from his bed to the bathroom. All right! This is what we've been waiting for. Even better, we find the blood is streaming out of his butt. Ewww, gross. But wait, the best part's waiting around the toilet. You see, it wasn't gas that was afflicting this unfortunate soul. Turns out he had an alien inside him struggling to get out, and the alien finally comes out his back end, so to speak. What kind of an alien? An enormous, slimy slug with even bigger teeth that somehow has a thing for attacking men between their legs. Later, when the alien's eggs hatch, the baby aliens resemble tiny sperm slithering along the ground. How Freudian can we get! It's not just a horror movie, it's a psychology lesson at the same time.

If unspeakable things are starting to come out of people's rear ends, Morgan Freeman has the indignity of shooting crap out of his mouth. You see, he's a general for the U.S. Army in charge of tracking down and
destroying aliens whenever they invade our country. He's a weary soul (and not just from making movies like this), but that doesn't stop him from uttering every cliche in the X-Files handbook. The dialogue Freeman's forced to spout brought howls from the audience, but I think my favorite line was, "These mothers are as harmless as a fox in a hen house, and I'm ready to kick some ass." And, no, he wasn't talking about his agent. How he goes about tracking down and destroying the aliens makes absolutely no sense, but it doesn't seem fair to criticize a movie for something it doesn't aspire to.

Fans of bad movies will find much to appreciate in Dreamcatcher--howlers instead of dialogue, mind-boggling motives instead of plot twists, and random acts of stupidity instead of a narrative arc. But even those in favor of cheese will find themselves disappointed. The movie is surprisingly inconsistent. What starts off as a raging gore-fest turns positively squeamish in the last half. I, for one, was thankful as my stomach was turning a bit. But fans of the genre will probably be disappointed that the movie wimps out as early as it does. Even worse, the funniest characters are all killed off early, as if the film wanted to subject us to the worst horror of all--boring protagonists.  

 J. Robert Parks 3/25/2003