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I take back everything I wrote. You know all those times I asked for movies that focused on story and character? When I wished that the director would slow things down and just let people have a chance to talk? When I hoped that conversations would outnumber action sequences? Well, I renounce all of it. Because if Gigli is the best that Hollywood can do, then it needs to stick to Bruckheimer-like bombast.

Gigli stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez as two over-hyped celebrities who've fallen in love and who enjoy telling all of America about their dewy-eyed romance. Oh wait, that's not the movie. No, in the movie, they star as contract killers. Let me repeat that. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez star as contract killers. They have each been hired by the same bad guy to kidnap and guard a young man in the hope of "influencing" an important prosecutor. The young man turns out to be mentally disabled in some way, though his disability fluctuates between Tourette Syndrome, near autism, and a slight speech impediment, depending on what the scene calls for. The three must hang out in Affleck's apartment, while they wait for
events to unfold. Oh, and Jennifer Lopez is a lesbian.

Of Gigli's many problems, the biggest is that we don't believe these characters, Though the film opens with Ben Affleck shaking someone down, we never for a second trust that he's working for the mob. And, for better or worse, the movie doesn't even try to convince us that Jennifer Lopez could kill a spider, much less a human being. These two are the nicest hit men ever. We also don't believe that they could ever fall in love. Which goes to show you how bad the acting is, as Ben and Jen actually did fall in love. Of course you knew that already.

This is strange, since Affleck and Lopez aren't terrible actors. He's actually quite good in the right roles (Good Will Hunting, Shakespeare in Love), but he's not leading man material and he needs to accept that. She was great in Out of Sight, but she needs to realize she's never going to be Julia Roberts, that the sweet act and big smile don't fit her.

I wish Gigli had lost a lot of its sweetness. John Powell's music is the strangest score I can remember. It features swelling strings and bizarre orchestrations. It attempts to manipulate the audience and instead just
bewilders us. The editing by Billy Weber and Julie Monroe acts as if we're seeing a Bergman film, lingering as the characters do absolutely nothing. We're forced to watch Lopez making an irrelevant phone call or Affleck primping in the mirror or the two looking longingly into each other's eyes. And each moment goes on f-o-r-e-v-e-r. There's even a ten-minute scene when we get to watch J-Lo do yoga while describing her very special place. The Vagina Monologues this isn't. Then add in a disabled kid with a fetish for old hip hop songs (it's worse than it sounds, actually) who magically becomes more functional as the movie goes on. Functional enough, at least, to have a Rain Man moment.

The one great thing about Gigli is the chance to see Christopher Walken work. His five-minute cameo is fantastic and hilarious. He walks in the door and takes over, sizing up Affleck and finding him wanting (I was thinking the same thing). But the movie even screws that up. Since this occurs early in the film, I spent the next 90 minutes hoping and expecting Walken to return. He never does. A smart man that Walken.

I, of course, was kidding about wanting more Bruckheimer explosions. If I had to choose between Gigli and Bad Boys II (what circle of Hell would I be in?!), I'd choose Gigli every time. At least it tries to tell a story, at least it has stereotypes that aren't patently offensive, at least it doesn't puke all over its own audience. In that respect, Gigli is better than Hollywood Homicide, Charlie's Angels, and the aforementioned BBII. I know I'm damning with very faint praise, but you take whatever you can in
the dog days of summer.

J. Robert Parks 8/7/2003