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Slow down as you approach the gate, and have your change ready....
Ask the Rock Doc: Sound advice
for a Song
This month’s edition:
**Certain details, and the mode of communication itself, may be altered in the following letter & response to protect the confidentiality of the musician in distress.
Dear Rock Doc:
I am a middle-aged, burned out rock star, (if you can call a rock star somebody whose band had two hits, spread apart by about 10 years). I was the bass player for a semi-popular '80s/early '90s band. We toured day and night 365 days of the year. I actually hated most things about it, but there’s one thing I now miss---it was the great sex. I mean these groupies were gorgeous, and I I swear I could have had just about anyone, and did, I just because I was in the band. Believe me, I’m not even attractive by any stretch of the imagination. I’m even less attractive now than I was back in the day. I married this Christian woman because I thought she could settle me down, and we had two kids together, a son, now 6 years of age, and a daughter who is now 4. Don’t get me wrong. I love my wife, and she loves me too, but lately I’ve been bored with things and we are constantly at each other’s throats over the smallest things. We’ve been married for about 8 years now, and we get along quite well, but lately the band has asked me to re-unite with them, and my wife is insisting that I don’t---even threatening to walk out on me if I get back together with the band for a reunion tour. She knows we need the money. She works part-time as a librarian, and I work at a music store, giving music lessons and selling musical instruments. Believe me, our joint income barely allows us to get by each month. I go to church with her, and I became a Christian at an altar call at her church while we were first dating, but I’ve since become disillusioned with the whole Christian/church thing. Our marriage, and our finances are on the rocks. Can you help?
Gourmand of Gorgeous Groupies
Dear Gourmand of Gorgeous Groupies:
In response to your letter, I wrote a song for you that offers some sound advice. It’s called “Great Sex” Can Ruin Your Life. Listen to it now, and play it every time you are tempted to fall into sexual temptation. You can download it for free here:
“Great Sex” Can Ruin Your
You see, I could be wrong, but, based on your comments, it’s not the music, and its not the money that is drawing you away from your wife, and towards the band, it is the sex. You seem to have adopted, lock, stock, and barrel, the world’s idea of what constitutes “great sex.” It is more about taking than giving. It is more about young women as objects and arm ornaments to decorate your weak ego than it is about an expression of warmth, love and genuine empathy. I’m sure you’ve heard the admittedly hackneyed cliché: All that glitters is not gold. Well, it seems that you’ve mistaken true gold, sex within the context of a committed, long term marital relationship, for fool’s gold, a cheap imitation in which you are the king and young ladies are swooning over you in your narcissistic kingdom of instant gratification. Although I can’t be certain, not having seen you as a patient, and not having done a complete assessment, I believe you may even be addicted to sex, and to the myth of what constitutes “great sex.” I’d recommend getting into a group for sex addicts. I’d also recommend getting into some couples counseling with your wife, hopefully counseling led by a Christian psychologist, marriage counselor or pastoral counselor---someone who accepts the Bible’s concept of “great sex.” No, it is not a concept of sexuality based upon a Victorian sort of abstinence, and self-denial, but one that involves a passionate desire to give yourself, and to never want to stop giving of yourself to the woman you love and to the woman who loves you. Your “need” for what you regard as “great sex,” may actually represent a need to be constantly validated as a man, and as a man who is desirable in the eyes of a woman. Your self-esteem may be at stake here, so it may not be only your wife that you need to learn to love again.
I’d recommend reading my interview with Pat Boone, in this month’s edition of Phantom Tollbooth. Not to diminish your musical accomplishments, or those of your band, but Pat Boone was a much bigger rock star than you or I will ever dream of being. He was subject to the same temptations you were, and I’m sure the temptations were greater and the groupies were even more abundant. Yet Pat, though admitting he was never perfect, held on to the woman he loved, and to the God he loved. He remained true to his faith and to his principles. He is a great rock ‘n’ “role model” for you, G.
As far as the band is concerned, my opinion is that you may not be ready to reunite with them. Your priorities must first be in order. This original Dr. BLTune, from my Free mp3 Jukebox, is just what the doctor ordered to find the Christ-centered perspective that you will need:
On Bended Knee (the carpet
As far as being “disillusioned with the whole Christian/church thing,” your disillusionment reminds me of a contemporary Christian song of Pat Boone’s back in the 70s called Me and Jesus. The strong stressed the importance of one’s own personal relationship with Christ as central. Of course the Bible encourages us not to forsake the fellowship of the brethren in Christ, and the church, the body of Christ is our anchor in the time of storm, but before being able to grow as a Christian in the context of a body of believers, your heart must be right with God. That does not mean that you are going to be perfect, we all fall sadly short of God’s ideal of perfection. But it means that you will be living in communion with Christ and that you will be putting him on the throne of your life. As the old hymn goes, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.” Put God first, your wife second, and your band last, but certainly not least. Put sizzling sex with your wife on the front burner, and demand that “great sex” leave the kitchen. Nobody needs that type of “great sex,” for when it comes down to it, there is really nothing great about it. It can ruin your life.
***If you are a musician
in distress, a music-lover in distress, or someone who loves a musician
in distress, write me, Dr. BLT at firstname.lastname@example.org