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* Details contained in the original correspondence, or inquiry have been omitted or otherwise altered to protect the confidentiality of the inquiring party and to make key spiritual/psychological points.  

Dear Dr. BLT:  

I am the single mother of an only son, a wayward son.  Ever since his father left us, by slashing his wrists when my son was age 9, my son stopped going to school, started doing drugs and has been spending way too much time in juvenile hall.  His dad, Barren, was a good dad, and a good husband until he started doing meth.  My son, Danny was 7.  He was a construction worker and a musician---a country singer/songwriter.  

Barren actually got more serious as a musician after using drugs, and my son, a piano player idolized him.  But Barren’s temper, already bad, got worse.  He started excessively criticizing my son, punishing him for every little thing, and beating him with sticks, belts, chains, whatever he could get his hands on.  He’d beat me to.  Barren was jailed for all of that, but he always got out.  Then he’d sweet-talk all of us, we’d take him back, and before too long, he’d be at the same stuff again.  At that time, He’s now 13, and he’s a mess.  

Maybe it’s good that he doesn’t attend school, because when he did, he was constantly bullying other students and getting into fights.  Even in continuation school, he was often cruel to other students.  We can’t even have pets around the home because he abuses them.  

If you talked to him you’d think he was an angel, he’s that good at hiding all of his bad behaviors.  He’s one of the best liars I know.  But he also has a soft side, and can be very kind.  

I feel like I’ve lost him.  Please help.  

Hopeless Harriet 

Dear Harriet: I took the “hopeless” part out of your name because I believe that you are reinforcing your own sense of hopelessness by seeing yourself as someone who is hopeless and powerless.  

Your son has likely taken to acting out as a way of expressing the anger he feels about the abuse he received by your husband, his father, and about the tragic way Barren took his own life.  In addition, there may be a genetically-based, and/or physiologically-based predisposition towards Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  I can’t say for certain, because I’ve never sat down face-to-face with him, and have never examined him.  

What is clear is that he feels chaos inside and is unable, and or, unwilling to direct and channel it into something meaningful.  

It is common with boys with Danny’s background to project anger at dad towards authority in general, and to society’s attempts to reign pathological behavior in.  He is both a victim and a perpetrator of criminal, miscreant, and violent behavior.  

He needs love, but he doesn’t need to be mollycoddled.  It’s hard to show love to a child who is acting in unloving, often hateful ways.  He needs structure, but if possible, it’s better if that structure is free from the punitive character that places like juvenile hall inherently take on.

If he could get involved in athletics and/or a structured music program, it would allow him to channel his anger, and organize the chaos he feels within in a manner that he can draw meaning from it.

If he’s hooked on drugs, he needs to be guided into treatment programs with a therapeutic emphasis.  Some go crazy with the confrontation and forget the supportive component.  For a person to recover, they need both.  

Anger management groups are good, but they often operate in accordance with a misguided philosophy that teaches members to “contain” anger instead of meaningfully expressing it through music, poetry, writing and the arts.  

In depth therapy, including a complete psychological test battery is the sine qua non.  Without it, he is not likely to recover.  He may also need psychiatric medication, and that would require the management of a psychiatrist he would see on a regular basis.  

You didn’t mention whether or not you were a believer in God, but when an individual like yourself feels so utterly hopeless and helpless, faith can be a powerful agent of change and a reason to hang on.  

All of this is not possibly without your son’s interest and cooperation.  He has to make up his mind that he does not want to follow in his father’s self-destructive footsteps.  Don’t drive him to treatment, if at all possible---lead him to it and encourage him to partake.  You can’t make a horse drink, but you can make a man think.  You make him think by speaking from your heart, and revealing to him the depth of your heartache as a mother.  

Merle Haggard never forgot how hard his mother tried, as he mentions in the song, Mama Tried.  I’m sure his mother thought her actions and efforts towards directing him towards the light was in vain, but it wasn’t.  It took years, but eventually Merle listened to his mother.  

Here’s a song I wrote about Merle’s childhood.  He too lost his dad at a young age, though he was apparently never abused by his dad, and his dad didn’t do drugs.  

Boy Behind Bars 
Dr BLT 
Words and music by Dr BLT copyright 2009 
http://www.drblt.net/music/boy_remix2_demom.mp3 

Let me know what town, city or region you live in, and I will direct you to some mental health professionals in your area.  

I hope I have offered you a glimmer of hope.  I wish you, your son, and your whole family health and healing.  

If you’re a musician in distress, or a friend or family member of one, email Dr BLT at drblt@drblt.net